Sunday, September 14, 2008

"American conservatives are a bunch of liberal sissies"

So one conservative says to another conservative:

“In my country there is a wonderful new conservative candidate running for the vice presidency.”

And the second conservative responds to the first, “That is wonderful. What is his name?”

And the first conservative says, “Her name, actually. It is a woman, and her name is Sarah Palin.”

Second Conservative: “I thought you said it was a conservative candidate.”

First Conservative: “Oh, she is, she is. She has the most wonderful conservative positions on all the issues.”

Second Conservative: “In my country, a true conservative would not allow a woman to run for government office. It is a contradiction in, how you say it, oxymorons. It is a contradiction to say that a woman is a conservative candidate.”

F.C.: “Ah, well, your country is just backwards when it comes to women. In our country a woman can aspire to the highest office in the land.”

S.C.: “But this is not a conservative idea. This is some liberal heresy. Even in your own country it was illegal for women to vote not that long ago, and a true conservative would not allow his woman to vote, much less to run for office.”

F.C.: “I’m a conservative, but I’m not a Neanderthal. In our country women are entitled to all of the same rights as men.”

S.C.:”So in your country it is possible to believe in evolution and to call yourself a conservative.”

F.C.: “Say what?”

S.C.: “Neanderthal. Where does it mention Neanderthal in the holy written word of God?”

F.C.: “It’s just an expression.”

S.C.: “An expression that came into being because of evolution, because of the idea that humans are descended from apes, and that Neanderthals were a step in the evolution of modern man. In our country, God created man, and that is final. God said so in his book. Only a heretic would believe in Darwinian evolution. This is the total opposite of what it means to be a true conservative.”

F.C.: “Well of course no true conservative believes in evolution.”
S.C.:”And so no true conservative believes in letting women vote. No true conservative believes in letting women hold political office.”

F.C. “But that just seems backwards.”

S.C.: “You cannot have it both ways. You cannot call yourself conservative and say that a woman can hold political office.”

F.C.: “But what about Margaret Thatcher? Everyone called Margaret Thatcher conservative.”

S.C.:”This is merely advertizing and public relations. Mrs. Thatcher did not believe that abortion should be illegal.”

F.C.: “She what?”

S.C.: “She believed that government had no business intervening in a fundamentally personal decision like abortion. Can you believe that such a woman would be called a conservative. Would you call such a woman a conservative in your country? Would you call anyone a conservative in your country who did not believe that abortion is murder?” (

F.C.: “Well that’s one place where Sarah Palin has shining conservative credentials. She had a baby with Down’s Syndrome despite knowing the baby had Down’s Syndrome. And her 17 year old daughter is going ahead with her out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and intends to marry the father.”

S.C.: “Her out-of-wedlock pregnancy?”

F.C.:”But she intends to marry the...”

S.C.: “In my country a true conservative does not have an out-of-wedlock pregnancy. In my country we do not elect such people; we stone them. We bury them alive. But we do not elect them.”

F.C.: “That’s inhuman. That’s immoral. She’s only a 17 year old girl.”

S.C.: “No, it’s conservative. That’s what it means to be a true conservative. There has been a right way to do things, and a wrong way to do things for all of time. They never change. That is what a conservative believes. A true conservative.

You, with your woman’s right to vote, your woman’s right to rule a government, your woman’s right to engage in sex outside of marriage, you are nothing but, nothing but, I hate to say this, but you are nothing but a liberal.”

F.C.: “What?”

S.C.: “I am afraid so. A liberal. You may flatter yourselves that you are pit bulls with lipstick. I see the lipstick, but not the pit bull. American conservatives are a bunch of liberal sissies.

In my country an unmarried girl who is pregnant is stoned to death.

That is a pit bull. That is a person who is unafraid to execute the will of God.”

F.C.: “I’m glad we’re bombing your countries.”

S.C.: “And now your true character comes out. You are bombing us for our conservative beliefs. You are bombing us because we are conservatives. You call yourselves conservatives, and bomb the true conservatives. You call yourselves conservatives and are ruled by whatever liberal principles are convenient for your ruling classes, and you then call these conservative.

This is true hypocrisy.

But who here is true to the word of God?

Who really has the courage, to execute God’s will?”

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